[It's hard for Guzma to be mad about Nanu showing him this memory. Sure, it's left him stunned and maybe a little bit emotionally compromised, but the vulnerability of the act strikes Guzma even more. Nanu could have shunned him—he and Anabel both. He could have given up on Guzma, or merely punished him without reprieve. Not to say he didn't punish him, and that this wasn't it's own form of punishment. It's also a strange form of kindness, even if that in itself is a weird way to look at it.
An extreme measure, for sure, but Nanu shared something dark and deep with Guzma to make him understand, when he didn't have to make him understand. He didn't have to do any of that, he could have just been angry, lashed at him, mistreated him and left it at that. He didn't.
Guzma's not sure if the memory will fade, it feels like it's not going anywhere any time soon, but the details will likely fade, leaving behind an impression more than anything.]
Yeah, well what options were I givin' ya?
[He's aware, very aware of how out of hand he can get. A point of pride in the past, but now it's a point of responsibility. Trying to keep himself a bit more reined in is pretty hard, especially when he doesn't have his usual aid: Plumeria. There's Jill, of course, but even she's not here.
The reminder leaves him gripping his hair a bit tighter—but then he lets it go, letting his arm fall back into its former place. It's unfortunate how his violent tendencies are even self-aimed, but it's also unfortunate in that he believes it helps him keep in control, when in reality he's losing control.]
I know—I know.
[He huffs, it's not as indignant as it might have been any other time, and its frustration isn't even at Nanu, it's at himself. There's a lot of unlearning he's still got to do. Even if he wants to tell others he'll never change, that he's always gonna be Big Bad Guzma! The reality is, the fact of the matter is he's trying to do better. He'll never make a full turn around, he knows that, but he can do better.
Nanu's question leaves him silent as he considers it. He wants to say yes, but that's because a childish part of him still feels entirely victimized in this whole thing. He knows if the answer was truly "yes", then Nanu would be left to feel like an asshole who went too far. It'd be an empty form of vindication that he'd regret later, and fortunately the traumatic calm Nanu's shared memory brought him allows him to ignore that knee-jerk answer.]
Probably not. I know the joke was off-color, but that's the sorta humor I'm used to. The sorta shit that me and my homies did to get by. It was easier to laugh at and joke about the rotten shit goin' on, y'know, not take shit too seriously, that way it didn't feel like it affected us as much.
[They romanticized such negativity, desensitized to what most would be appalled by. They were all sensitive kids, but their sensitivity was different than most, and that's honestly where this whole thing came from. Oddly enough, it's feeling easier and easier to just talk to Nanu. Likely because of the vulnerability the other man had shown Guzma.
Not that he wants to spill his guts to him, but here's a chance to make things right, or as right as they can be. And Guzma wants that.]
I ain't makin' no excuse, don't get me wrong. Just explainin' myself. Anabel's fine, I wouldn't intentionally do nothin' to hurt her, she don't deserve that. I wanted to mess with her a li'l, but my choice on what about wasn't great, I can admit that.
[He lets out a sigh, before looking over at Nanu, his mouth pressing to a thin line as he grimaces. It's hard. Hard to admit when you're wrong, after spending almost a decade running from everything: his dad, authorities, responsibility. Who knew his greatest challenge in life would be acting like an adult?]
I was too caught off guard by my own mistake and her reaction that it felt easier to get mad at her for not gettin' it; even though there's no reason she should have.
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An extreme measure, for sure, but Nanu shared something dark and deep with Guzma to make him understand, when he didn't have to make him understand. He didn't have to do any of that, he could have just been angry, lashed at him, mistreated him and left it at that. He didn't.
Guzma's not sure if the memory will fade, it feels like it's not going anywhere any time soon, but the details will likely fade, leaving behind an impression more than anything.]
Yeah, well what options were I givin' ya?
[He's aware, very aware of how out of hand he can get. A point of pride in the past, but now it's a point of responsibility. Trying to keep himself a bit more reined in is pretty hard, especially when he doesn't have his usual aid: Plumeria. There's Jill, of course, but even she's not here.
The reminder leaves him gripping his hair a bit tighter—but then he lets it go, letting his arm fall back into its former place. It's unfortunate how his violent tendencies are even self-aimed, but it's also unfortunate in that he believes it helps him keep in control, when in reality he's losing control.]
I know—I know.
[He huffs, it's not as indignant as it might have been any other time, and its frustration isn't even at Nanu, it's at himself. There's a lot of unlearning he's still got to do. Even if he wants to tell others he'll never change, that he's always gonna be Big Bad Guzma! The reality is, the fact of the matter is he's trying to do better. He'll never make a full turn around, he knows that, but he can do better.
Nanu's question leaves him silent as he considers it. He wants to say yes, but that's because a childish part of him still feels entirely victimized in this whole thing. He knows if the answer was truly "yes", then Nanu would be left to feel like an asshole who went too far. It'd be an empty form of vindication that he'd regret later, and fortunately the traumatic calm Nanu's shared memory brought him allows him to ignore that knee-jerk answer.]
Probably not. I know the joke was off-color, but that's the sorta humor I'm used to. The sorta shit that me and my homies did to get by. It was easier to laugh at and joke about the rotten shit goin' on, y'know, not take shit too seriously, that way it didn't feel like it affected us as much.
[They romanticized such negativity, desensitized to what most would be appalled by. They were all sensitive kids, but their sensitivity was different than most, and that's honestly where this whole thing came from. Oddly enough, it's feeling easier and easier to just talk to Nanu. Likely because of the vulnerability the other man had shown Guzma.
Not that he wants to spill his guts to him, but here's a chance to make things right, or as right as they can be. And Guzma wants that.]
I ain't makin' no excuse, don't get me wrong. Just explainin' myself. Anabel's fine, I wouldn't intentionally do nothin' to hurt her, she don't deserve that. I wanted to mess with her a li'l, but my choice on what about wasn't great, I can admit that.
[He lets out a sigh, before looking over at Nanu, his mouth pressing to a thin line as he grimaces. It's hard. Hard to admit when you're wrong, after spending almost a decade running from everything: his dad, authorities, responsibility. Who knew his greatest challenge in life would be acting like an adult?]
I was too caught off guard by my own mistake and her reaction that it felt easier to get mad at her for not gettin' it; even though there's no reason she should have.